I have a few questions to ask. Why would you do that to me, why would you make me believe that you and I could ever be. Why did you lie to me, I gave you an easy way to explain everything in detail to me. You refused me though, you made me believe that we were on the same road. But we never were and probably would never be. This wasn't your casual heart break. We've been back and forth for over a year now, nothing was ever solid. I should've taken the hint 6 months in, but I felt like I needed to really lean in and see if what I was feeling was true. I needed to make sure that I had given it my all and I did, but I saw when you checked out.
I was suffering the repercussions of "hurting you" , so you said. I think you really used that to your advantage. Any time I called you out on something, you always seem to throw that in my face "you hurt me, there's a wall between you and I, blah blah blah". This wasn't your casual heart break. You know, I think I kinda asked for this. I wanted God to give me ANOTHER sign, even though He has given me so many. I needed something so direct, basically a slap in the face, to let me know that we aren't supposed to be together. Well, that slap was so strong it left me crying, I AM NOT A CRIER !! I feel like you did this to me, why did you lead me on. Why did you make me believe what we had was strong. I keep replaying that night in my head, hoping one day the memory will FADE. I hope that day comes sooner rather than later. That SLAP made me realize I am a high-valued woman, I deserve more than what I was receiving, that slap stung because it was reality— it woke me up. This just wasn't your casual heart break.
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Let me just say how powerful this song is. It is beyond explainable. I thank God for writing this lyrics through this wonderful band Hillsong United. When I first heard I was attracted to the music itself and not the meaning. This was because I really had no idea what it was about. The more this ong got popular and the more I grew stronger in faith, I began to realize what the lyrics was all about. It was like God was building my relationship with him in order for me to, to relate to the song. And now I am in love even more with him and the lyrics.
It starts of by saying "You called me out upon the waters. The great unknown where feet may fail." Ahh the first line is so powerful, in my eyes it means that Lord, you have called me to do your, even though I am known for failing. Like how awesome is it that God's grace is so powerful that he still wants us to complete his mission even if we are not perfect! The next line says, " And there I find you in the mystery in oceans deep my faith will stand." This to me means that God is with us always and that because we have faith in him that will overcome all things. The the next line says, "And I will call upon Your name And keep my eyes above the waves When oceans rise My soul will rest in Your embrace For I am Yours and You are mine." To me this means that Lord I will cal on you for help and keep focused on you because you are my Father and I am your child, there are no worries because I know that you have me. Then at the bridge of the song it just gets even better. "Spirit lead me where my trust is without bordersLet me walk upon the watersWherever You would call me Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander And my faith will be made strongerIn the presence of my Savior. " It's basically surrendering to God and telling him that you are willing to go anywhere he has called you. You are asking God to let his Spirit lead you WHEREVER he wants you to go. Then it talks about letting him take you places you could not even imagine and that you will just grow because of this, al because you are in the presence of the Savior. Like woahh, what is life. This bridge just tops it all off. And as I understood this song I began to understand what it actually means to surrender my life to God and have him lead me in the direction he wants me. I am just so thankful I can sing this song and actually mean it. So thank you Hillsong for letting God use you to write these lyrics, this song is truly something I can listen to everyday has a reminder, motivation or an encouragement. It is beyond me why God gives so much grace, but he does. When I try to wrap my mind around how gracious he is, it is unfathomable. We are so broken that if grace did not exist, we would have no place of return; we would not have a chance to spend eternal life with our Lord and Savior—JC.
Today at work was very interesting. I was conversing with a co-worker about different life matters. Lately, I have realized the lack of confidence that is non-existent (including in myself) in the lives of others. My co-worker was not a Christian; however, I believe he had a lot of great things to say about being confident.
When I examine my life and the goals I want to accomplish, I realize I am fearful; I lack confidence. The Bible tells us in 2 Timothy 1:7, " For God has not give us the spirit of fear, but the spirit of power, love, and of self-discipline." Sometimes we as Christians forget how much power we have access to as children of the Most High. I want to be able to help others find their confidence. df I was reading an article and it talks about placing our confidence in Jesus Christ. If we continue to try and find our confidence in our own strength, we will never gain true confidence. Why is confidence such a problem, well for me it is a matter of being concerned with people, and what their perceptions of us might look like. Philippians 3: 3 says, " For we are the circumcision, who worship by the Spirit of God and glory in Christ Jesus and put no confidence in the flesh." So, no matter whose flesh it might be, we as Christians should not be putting our confidence in the flesh. We are to look to our heavenly Father for acceptance, not anyone else. A lack of confidence also develops from not exercising our faith as much as we should. If we start ti ask God for direction and guidance on things, if he goes before us then nothing can go against us. NO !! I do not have the answers to how to turn on your confidence switch over night, but I will say that if we place our faith in Jesus, he will cancel out any fearful or intimidating thought that might cross our path. I believe as Christians we need hold on to our confidence in Christ because we are called to do such a great work that requires BOLDNESS! After graduating, I started to become well aware of how many options existed for the next stage in my life. I can continue my education and look into graduate school, I can apply for jobs within my industry, I can do full-time ministry, I can move back home...etc. You get the picture, I have many things on my mind, and it has been quite the adventure trying to see where God is leading.
One reason I find it difficult to narrow down my options is because I do not want to "get out of the will of God." This is by far one of the silliest things I have convinced myself of. Someone told me (can't remember who), "There is no place you can go where God is not present." Hmmm..... That gave me peace about things and made me reevaluate my decision-making process. Provers 37:4 says, "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." When continuing to remind myself about the specific truth, I as long as I am fully living for Christ my decisions CANNOT go wrong. The more I understand and find myself in Christ, the more my heart starts to long for the things that are pleasing to Him. God gives us desires for a reason, sometimes those desires may not be clear, but if you keep pressing forward, I believe they will become like crystals. I was once reading an article that gave a tip to keep in mind before making that "big decision". This article was written by Lysa TerKeurst, ( President of Proverbs 31 Ministries), and she helped me to realize things might seem tempting to just jump into, but you have to do your research before getting started. She used the description of a river to represent whatever decision you are going after. In her words, "That river is moving so fast that it will take you where it is going. And if you haven't carefully determined in advance whether you want to go all the places where the river flows, you'll be in trouble." Another verse that keeps me going, and feeling less frightened by my unknown future is Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you said the Lord. Plans to prosper and not to harm you, to give you hope and a future." I am a firm believe that God will stick to His promise and that He has my best interest at hand. If you are struggling with making a decision about your future, start relying on God and reminding yourself of these truths. You will spend a lot less time being stressed, worried and anxious. xoxoo Bkayy :) This past year, 2014, was such a great year. The year ended with me receiving my Bachelor's of Science Degree in Public Relations. I graduated in 3.5 years, from Ball State University, and it all seems so surreal. I remember the day very clearly, December 13, 2014. I woke up with 11 of my family members all crammed into my apartment, plus my roommate. They were all so excited; I believe their excitement level was higher than mine. The whole semester I felt so apathetic to the whole idea of graduating. It was not because I did not want my degree, but I did not know what it meant to not have to go to classes. It is March and I still feel as though I am on an extended break. My plan after graduation was to live in my college town, but have an amazing internship that paid or offered a stipend for income. To say the least, God had other plans for my life. I am in no way, shape or form upset, but it took me awhile to get to this place of contentment. Paul tell us: "Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content." Philippians 4:11 When I first graduated I was not content, I started comparing myself to others and trying to figure out why I was not in the place I planned to be in. I believe God used all of January up to mid February to draw me closer to him more than ever before . When I first returned to Muncie (my college city) in January, I went to my church Destiny Christian Center (http://www.dccmuncie.org) and I learned about the 21-day fast they were on. I spoke to about three people and that's when I decided I needed to partake in this fast as well. I had never stayed so dedicated to fast such as I did in this one. I researched and studied what should be present during a fast, and reasons to go on a fast. I learned that people go on fast when they want to hear from God, want to see change in their life, and want to draw nearer to God. Those all sounded like valid reasons for me to start the fast, so I did. During the fast I became so aware of God's place in my life, and that is when I started to become content in my current state. Before my contentment, I was so afraid of people bringing up my accomplishment of graduating because I knew the terrifying question of what came after the congrats. "So what are you doing now?" When I say I hated this question, I mean I truly despised it, I would even go to the extremes of avoiding people so I would not have to face reality that I was not where I wanted to be, but GOD! He turned that attitude around for me and I was no longer afraid to tell people that I did not have a job, or an internship. I started applying to jobs that people would get during their college years, or even high school years in the beginning of January just so I could earn some money, and customer-service experience. I stumbled upon a place called MC Sports (I had never heard of it before) and they had a "Now Hiring" sign in the window. I had a pleasant feeling about this application that I did not have with the other retail jobs I applied for. I knew that it was a huge possibility that I'd be soon working there, but I did not know how soon. Weeks went by and I did not hear anything from anyone, so of course I started calling these places. I was on the verge of becoming flustered and frustrated, but instead I decided to trust God. It was not long before I got a call from the hiring manager inviting me to have an interview with him. That is when I called my friends and family to pray that I did well in the interview and that I would be offered the job. At the interview I felt very satisfied with how things turned out, the hiring manger asked if I was interested in the Apparel Manager position ( I had no clue what that was, but he said it paid more), and I told him i was. Another week went by and I was still on edge, but I had a sense of peace as well. It was a Sunday night I believe that my dad said, "You are going to get the call in the morning that you got the job." I believed him, but I also had my doubts. I prayed and when I woke up I was offered the position as the Apparel Manager. I thanked God and I could not wait for my new adventure to start. Being content in my situation has taught me these five things: 1. God loves me, and will always love me no matter where I am in life! 2. Trusting in God is NEVER in vain! 3. God hears and answers prayers(: 4. You can plan all you want, but expect God to move on His timing and not yours;-) 5. All things work together for the good to them that love God <3 |
Yep....that's me!